How to speak supportively to children

What sounds supportive?

1) “Wow! You tried. Let me help you.”

2) “Clumsy! Here’s what you do … ”

What encourages a child

1) “That was difficult. I’m proud of you for trying. ”

2) “You can’t. I’ll help you.

What does respect show?

1) “Why do you want to change your name? We gave you an absolutely good name so why are you insulting us? ”

2) “Help me understand why you want to change your name. It’s a very big decision. ”

If you think that you need to insult a child to keep away “the evil eye,” “the devil,” or some other superstition, please reconsider. Words are powerful.

When we call a child “stupid” or “lazy”, “stupid” or “carefree”, the child does not have enough confidence to withstand the insult. When you are an important person in a child’s life, your words and actions are more powerful than you realize.

Think back to your own childhood. Our parents always meant well as they tried to lead us into adulthoods that they would be proud of. Good intentions are not enough. The best parenting skills may not come naturally, depending on how we grew up.

More from Charna Cohn:

When children lie, expressing disappointment can change their behavior

Parents must lead by example when it comes to caring for the community

Respect is required in all phases of life

Here are some comments to think about:

1) “What do you mean, that you want to become a cop and help people? You will be killed. You will not make any money.”

2) “If you want to become an engineer, I’ll pay for your training. Otherwise, you’re on your own.”

Let’s rephrase these problems:

1) “You want to be a cop? You have to have a strong feeling about it. Being a cop can be dangerous work. How did you choose this career?”

2) “Before making your final major, I want you to take a lot of different courses and open up to other ideas. Let’s talk more about that.”

The bottom line your child needs to hear is: I am your parent and I will always be there for you. I can’t agree with you and we need to keep talking. If what you want to do is not harmful to others and is legal, we will be by your side and try to understand.

For centuries, parents have used too much guilt and fear to control a child’s behavior. You win the battle, but you eventually lose the war. This approach does not produce a kind, caring, responsible person with the confidence to stand up to dangerous or controlling adults. Autocrats control with fear and manipulation.

Sometimes it is necessary to use fear or shame to teach a lesson (“No! You can get hurt doing this!” Or “I can’t let that happen. You could get hurt” or “How would you feel about yourself.” feel when someone did this to you? “or” How do you think Janey felt when you did this to her? “are examples)

If the parenting approach I suggest is problematic, please think about why you find it uncomfortable to respect and support your child.

This is the latest in a series on parenting from Charna Cohn, a retired faculty member from Santa Fe College who lives in Gainesville. She holds an M.Ed. specializing in early childhood and human growth and development.

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